Aaliyahs story..
I pray you are all well and are in the best of imaan . Today I want to share something personal with the hope that it will help at least one of you because despite many of you being my family and friends you never truly know what anyone is going through.
So two weeks ago now I had a sudden flare up on my ankle and foot area and I kept telling myself it'll go and go because when I have a flare up I refuse to admit it's there as that's when I start blaming myself ie my eating habits or my stress levels. But adding to what I just said no matter what happens to you like a skin flare up you shouldn't approach it with blame and despair you should change your outlook to seeing it as Allah's plan and his plan only and no matter what you did it was decided by the Almighty's decree and knowing he said 'be and it is' we should have no problem with his plan. Because in these moments do you read more Quran and adhkar and read tasbihs because you know that even if it removes one second of pain it'll be worth it as well as the abundant thawab one will receive. So in essence not only is Allah showering us with love with a hardship but you get another chance.
To me it's a chance to see whether in the darkest time will I cry in despair or do the only thing Allah wants me to do which is turn to him . In these moments do you realise despite your mothers love and family as well as amazing friends, no one can help you they can give support but only Allah can truly relive the hardship or at best grant you the ease to remain patient. So alhamdulillah for everything and I'm so grateful for my skin. Anyways the flare up only got worse and I honestly felt helpless with the doctors like at one point I shifted all the blame to them which is wrong as they want to help you but I was so absorbed.
I was too absorbed with myself and my skin and the pain to realise it's nothing but the greatest blessing. But again I was and still am missing college and it's the last few months so I get major FOMO like if you know me I love to be the centre of conversation and fun times so it was hard being at home with pain and at one point I couldn't actually close my hands and in these moments I cry because as Muslims we are weak and don't and will never comprehend Allah's wisdom but I cried because I felt weak . I felt weak because this pain was taking over my life and the fact I had to miss mosque was really hard as for me mosque is of greater importance as it is a place of escape for me and
As I missed school and mosque I was alsoattending my local GP by phone calls . It frustrates me as sometimes I felt like I needed to give the doctors an answer and honestly I felt helpless because after a whole course of antibiotics I had a moment of fear. whether this is now a new turn to my life where l'Il now have to consider adjustments like online schooling and wheelchair. You see I had a meeting with my head of year and mum and we spoke whilst I tried to take my tears from flooding down my face and i felt stuck . I wanted to go down the no steorid route but with my a levels round the corner my teacher was concerned about the effects it will have and the state I'll be in. So..
It was in that moment I actually felt like let's leave it in Allah's hands and we'll we should always do that but it was then I realised only Allah swt can help you . So I was torn between steroids and no steroids as both have backings however there remains a major grey area. Anyways my teacher mentioned a wheelchair as arrangement fo adjust myself to school . It was then I broke down inside, it's not the fact of how I would look but because I don't ever want my skin to define me and limit me in any way and I knew in that moment Allah will get me through this. time is time but Allah is Allah and Allah is the most powerful and most merciful .
Anyway.. the pain only got worse and theitching was insane it actually fekt out of my control. Again I was getting frustrated with myself because my diet was clean to and listen if you know me you know that food is a big part of my happiness like give me a chicken burger meal over anything and I'll be smiling so it took effort and control. And you wanna see some results and I was trying new creams every day as every other day I was going to my gp trying different creams. Then I had enough and attended my GP begging for an emergency appointment to royal London hospital as that's my dermatologist. And after my Gp seeing the state of my skin as well as my mental state I think...
But hold up I forgot a main person in the events of this trial. Alhamdulillah for my mother like may Allah grant her eternal bliss in this world and the ahkirah, every day she would call the doctors and get through to royal London so who knows whether it was the go or my mother they were just the means of Allahs mercy but when Allah grants you a mother like the one I have, it makes everything easier because you know wherever you go it'll be as perfect as it can be to her ability . So we got to royal London sadly due to how bad my pain was yesteday I was in a wheelchair and damn you get privileges! I was actually quite gassed and also scared by mums crazy wheelchair skills like...
Like she made it turn into a whole vibe, honestly. Anyways we finally met the doctor and she called in my normal dermatologist and she recommended this cancer drug as a final solution or topical steroid . In that moment I felt like I just wanted to run out of there , I felt so helpless as that was not an option for me I had gone two whole years with no steroid and ain't nobody putting a form of a cancer drug inside of me like the side effects are crazy. So after crying and listening to three dermatologist I decided that whatever I do the shifaa is from Allah and so I decided to take the topical steroid and antibiotics and anti fungal because I realised I could do serious damage if I refrain.
And when my doctor started swabbing my skin for herpes I thought I have to take something home today and so I decided to go ahead with steroids and despite my fears I know Allah will protect me from any harm and make me better. And so after the tears and the pain I got the usual bath emollients and creams and steroids and antibiotics and anti viral and blood tests. And after all that finally got home. And alhamdulillah I'm happy because despite my skin always being unknown and the future is unknown I'm prepared for any difficulty because it's Allahs love and it may seem you dislike athing when it's good for you. So my message to you is no matter what it is your going through, keep going.
To every single person- never ever give up or feel like it's too hard cos in all honesty I thought I'm not strong enough anymore Allah. And all these negative thoughts and it will happen but you can't let shaytaan win because you have Allah see by your side . But my message is honestly in life there are moments of happiness and difficulty but in every moment you should always be grateful because it could've been worse and truth is Allah only tests those he loves, no matter what happens in the future or tomorrow the fact Allah handpicked you like a special flower you should feel honoured and do nothing but thank him so alhamdulillah for everything especially my mother
Lastly I pray at least one of you benefits because that feeling of true pain and sorrow is a feeling I hope no one reading this ever has to feel but the best advice is talk to Allah. Seriously, obviously Allah granted us tools like friends and family but make Allah the first call everything else is secondary because if you fight the battle with the strongest ammunition you will win and be amongst the successful. And remember this dunya isn't here to make us happy truly it's a test and our purpose is to worship Allah so despite our lack of understanding we should be pleased that in these moments and trials we return to our fitrah- Allah swt