My husband and I have had mannyyy arguments since being married, and even before. But recently we worked out something that works for us, and it has- alhamdullilah- been really helping us where arguments are concerned.
Even though this is something we use in marriage, I think it is something that can be applied to a range of relationships.
Where do we differ?
But, in terms of relationships- sometimes general differences exist between men and women, and when these are not considered- arguments can become even worse.
Men, often have a need to fix things. So, when you try and tell them your problem, it is likely that they will try and come up with solutions. But, often this is not what you want. Sometimes, you just want to be heard. And, when they can't think of solutions they may start to get frustrated and worked up. In this case they can often try and give you space- distancing themselves because they think this is what you want.
Women, on the other hand, try to get men to speak about how they're feeling all the time. This, as women, is important to us. But for men, sometimes they just need a bit of time and space. They might not want to speak about how they feel straight away, and may feel suffocated by not being given time and space to process their emotions.
So, men and women can often approach the other person in the way that fits their needs. Women need to talk, and so try and get men to talk. And men need space and solutions, and try and give this to women. This can lead to frustration on both parts and feeling like they're not being understood nor heard.
Buttttt- it's okay! Because this doesn't mean that one type of person is right or wrong. It just means that by being aware of these differences we can adapt the way we deal with arguments and conflicts.
To try and solve problems
Acknowledgement;
as the person with the problem, try and explain it without blame. Explain how whatever has happened has made you feel- but try not to use words that would suggest you blame that person ("you did this to me" --> "that action made me feel this way")
As the person listening, listen without feeling like this is a criticism or personal attack. Listen to how you have, intentionally or unintentionally, made this person feel. Acknowledge it and take accountability. Don't feel as though by apologising for what you have done it takes away from any hurt you're feeling. You can hurt someone and take accountability for it, whilst your feelings and hurt still being valid too.
Taking a step back:
Sometimes explaining or trying to explain ends up just going round in circles. When this is a case, actively take a step back. As a girl, I sometimes find that the idea of space after an argument can make me panic. I can jump to conclusions and start to think the worse, and so I become desperate to sort a situation out there and then. When the other person needs time to process, and the situation is going nowhere this pressure can do more harm than good.
So, what has worked for me is to take a step back from the situation but not necessarily a step back from eachother completely. For my husband and I, we have tried to work through problems by putting just that problem to the side until we're ready to revisit it with a clearer head.
What this means is saying "I can see your upset, and I am too. I'm not seeing where you're coming from and I don't understand your point. I need time to process it, and we can pick it up again as soon as I have". We will still talk and get on with the day as usual, with no anger or bitterness- but the problem, we know, we will get around to dealing with.
When we pick the issue back up again, taking however long we both need to get a clear head, we are often able to deal with a lot quicker. On one occasion we spent all day arguing- from the morning until the evening. We then decided to try out this technique. We found that we were able to deal with the issue in probably under 10 minutes after giving it some time.
So, by giving the issue some space- not necessarily eachother- as a women you can feel secure and not worried about him distancing. And as a man, you can have some time to process and take a step back from the issue. It works in both favours.
So to summarise, try and explain your issues without attacking- or feeling like it is in attack. See from the other persons perspective instead. And, take a break from the issue- you can re-visit it later.
To good and healthy relationships🥂 ... of all kinds
x