3 lessons that marriage has taught me so far...
Quick disclaimer: I have only been married for 3 weeks so I am absolutely no expert. These points are just things that I have experienced so far in my early journey in marriage. Hopefully they may be able to help and may apply to any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones!
1. Communication is important- but the right kind of communication.
I think this one is really important. There is often a big emphasis on communicating, and how that is one of the keys to a successful relationship. However, there tends to be less of an emphasis on the type of communication. For example, communicating with the sole purpose of getting only your point across, I believe, would not be the best kind of communication.
I think what makes communication worthwhile, is if you communicate to solve problems, rather than just convey them. Also, communicate with the idea of taking in what the other persons response is, even if you may not like it. A good way to see it is like a table tennis match. If one person is just hitting the ball, there is no game- it is just a waste of time. But when both people are taking part and making the effort, an effective game (communication) will occur.
Thus, communicating where only one person is speaking is ineffective. Both parties must be actively participating in the communication. Whether that is making an effort to understand what is being said, thinking of solutions, or even also communicating their own perspective.
I think that communication is something that will always improve. It is not a case of mastering it straight away, but working and adapting where you can.
2. Expectations of what marriage should be like is in no way beneficial.
This is something important that I think I have learnt. Just because you expect things to be a certain way, does not mean that they will be and more importantly, that they have to be. People will make mistakes, you will make mistakes. Arguments will still be had and everything doesn't turn romantic and rosy once you're married. I think that understanding that the "honeymoon period" will not be absolutely perfect is important to note. Regardless of how much you love that person, there will still be challenges and that is absolutely fine.
Comparing yourselves to other people and holding high expectations based on others is also something to avoid. Your marriage is between the two of you, and so, if others have had different experiences that doesn't matter. If you wish for something to be different then it is important to share that, but don't expect that your marriage is going to be like a fairytale 24/7. Sometimes what you get may be completely different to what you expected- but there is beauty in the unexpected.
3. Marriage is a culmination of lots of different factors, and you do need them all.
This point I can't take credit for because it is something that my mum told me, but it is still something that I have learnt (just from her).
Marriage is built up on a range of different factors, but three she said that are important and must coexist for a successful marriage were enjoying one another's company and a true connection, passion and depth of love (including all the essential qualities of trust and commitment). She told me that for there to be anything worth building upon, a true connection must be present- you must enjoy each other as people. The rest can be developed, passion, trust, communication. But, enjoying each others company is something that is fundamental, as it cannot be created out of nowhere.
This aligns with Sternberg (1986) triangular theory of love. He suggested three key factors: intimacy (closeness and connection), passion (drives that lead to romance and desire) and commitment to maintain the love, which together make up the highest form of love- consummate love.
Marital advice/ inspiration from people who've been married for a lot longer than 3 weeks:
"Don't do it."
"You will learn yourself... it might not be clear yet but will be in the future"
"Don't ever stop trying"
Go on date nights to keep the romance alive.
“My advice would be you must be able to understand that your partner is different to you and that it’s ok to be different to each other … what is important is to respect that difference cos very rarely things are so black and white. Only set standards you can both meet and you must be able laugh at yourselves and each other…. And more importantly only pick and fight the battles that really matter -ignore the rest.”
”Patience is the key to happiness.”
”Everyday there is more to learn… even as you grow older. We have to compromise a lot, and be patient”
Kommentare