A constant battle of social anxiety
For as long as I can remember I have feared social interactions. It has gotten better over time, but theres no denying that that fear and anxiety is still there. Throughout my entire school experience, every parents evening I heard the same thing "She's a wonderful student, but she could try and contribute more in class", "a model pupil, but she should try and raise her hand a bit more". No matter what year I was in, from year 2 to year 7 and even year 12- I heard the exact same thing.
And I've tried, and am still trying to work on it. Read on as I tell you about some of my own experiences with social anxiety, and let me know if you can relate.
One distinct memory that sticks with me every time that I think about this is an after school club that I was asked to attend in year 7. I hated attending, but I tried my best to go regardless. On one specific occasion I remember sitting on a table where we had to do a group task. Along with 3 or 4 older students, they all looked at me and I could already feel my body shaking. "What do you think Zainab?" they asked, and I stared at them blankly. I could not for the life of me even get a response out of my mouth, not even "I don't know". So, they sat and they asked again. And all that I can remember is that I said nothing. Because I was physically unable to. I don't know what I was afraid of, or why nothing could leave my mouth- but even now I still have the same feeling, and I don't understand it.
If you experience social anxiety then you'll know that it's more than shyness. For me, there can be times and occasions that I am able to overcome it but often it is so uncontrollable.
Some of the things that I have experienced are, as I said before; just a literal inability to say anything, rising body temperature, my facing beginning to flush and turn red, physically shaking, a struggle to make eye contact, tightening my fist or holding on to something really tight to stop myself from shaking and biting or licking my lips.
These are experiences that are so real, but for some reason I have conditioned myself into thinking that this is just how I am, or that this is just normal for me. But, it can actually be so debilitating. At times, it can really ruin my ability to enjoy social moments- when I actually really enjoy meeting and talking to people.
Another experience I have had, or array of experiences I could say is constantly going red. I seem to have this fear of people watching and looking at me, one that I am unable to really understand. Sometimes in any kind of situation where I am the centre of attention, or people are looking at me- I hate it. I can feel my temperature rising, and my face going bright red. It's becomes so embarrassing and makes the feeling of being the centre of attention worse. Makes me worry about my wedding lol!
This doesn't affect me in every single situation and I'm working towards completely eradicating it, considering I have had such a big improvement over the course of my life. Despite this social anxiety, I have still spoken up in my seminars, completed several interviews (including for Cambridge university), delivered presentations (to small and large audiences) and made friends and engaged in social situations. Though these are a mixture of small and big achievements, I am equally proud of all of them.
I am currently undergoing therapy (again)- and this is definitely something that I aim to work on. I have come along way, but I still have a long way to go.
Some of the main things I want you to take from this article (if you got this far) are:
No matter how severe what it is you're struggling with is, it is always worth trying to work on it.
Celebrate all achievements, big and small.
You are never alone in something you're struggling with.
Even though it takes time, things to get better.
Let me know if this is something you can relate to, or if this enlightened you in any way. Always want to hear your thoughts.
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