The effect of perfectionism on our mental health: a conversation with myself.
Perfectionism.
What does that word mean to you? Is it a problem foreign to you? Or do you have experience with this tireless fiend?
For me, it is overthinking about any task, be that trivial or of great significance; with it comes hours and hours of stress. I find myself constantly going over the details of what I have to do, how long it will take, what it will entail because everything I do has to be perfect.
With all the roles that I play in my life I find that I expect myself to always be the best. I must be the perfect student, I must be the perfect daughter, the perfect Muslim, the perfect friend. The list goes on and on…
But what if I cut myself some slack? What if I told myself that whatever I did was enough and that I was good enough?
The very thought of it is freeing. So, if you’re like me and struggle with perfectionism, or if you just want an insight- read on for a self q&a: how to be beautifully imperfect.
1) I feel like everything I do has to be completely unflawed, but whatever I do is never enough — is that what perfectionism is?
Experts tend to agree that perfectionism can be defined as having unrealistic or excessive expectations, and this often comes with ‘overly critical self-evaluations’. Therefore, what I feel does in fact characterise perfectionism.
There are several different types of perfectionism- three of which are self-orientated perfectionism, other orientated perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism. The first type is when the expectations and criticisms are of yourself, the second of others and the latter is when you feel that the social context you are in comes with people that expect perfection from you.
2) When I’m unable to fulfil my expectations, I often feel quite distressed and sometimes the very thought of working towards them makes me feel anxious. Is this because of perfectionism?
Toxic perfectionism is quite common and is linked to several mental health problems: anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation are only a few that have been repeatedly linked with this form of perfectionism. In one study it was found that over half of people who died by suicide were described by their loved ones as “perfectionists.”
If we strive for complete perfection in ourselves and the different roles we play, our unrealistic expectations are likely to go unfulfilled which can be impactful on self-esteem and this is inevitably catastrophic.
Therefore, it is so important to maintain realistic expectations of yourself. And when you do not reach your expectations remember to go easy on yourself- your ability and performance will fluctuate in life. That is okay.
3) I don’t want this to continue to affect me, what can I do to help with my perfectionism?
Wanting to change is one of the most important steps and often the hardest. From here it only gets easier in sha Allah (God willing).
Here are three steps to unleashing your beautifully imperfect self:
1) Remember your faith, remember your intentions: For me, I must remember that the Creator made us and he is Al- Adheem, the Magnificent. Any creation of His, is surely good enough yet we are not made to be perfect. We are made to try our hardest and that will always be enough. It is our intentions that count, and our ultimate intention should be to please Him.
“Indeed Allah(SWT) is with those who patiently endure” (Quran 8:46)
2) Counter your inner critic: You have to learn to counter your inner critic, remind yourself that its harshness is inaccurate. This can be done through the process of self-compassion: speaking to yourself kindly. You can learn to write down your harsh thoughts or challenge them mentally and replace them with more practical and beneficial ones.
For example, replace the negative thought ‘I am not good enough’ with ‘I may not be exactly where I want to be yet, but I am trying my hardest’.
3) Use prayer, meditation & yoga for mindfulness: These techniques can be used to displace the negative thoughts and re-establish a sense of peace in your mind. By re-focusing your attention in the here and now, you can organise the chaos in your mind and develop a sense of calm.
Lessons learnt from my experience:
Remember that the voice in your head is not always right, you can tackle it. You are good enough.
Toxic perfectionism is not something to accept as normal. You can challenge it.
No individual can ever be perfect- it is unattainable. There is no use in getting swept up in guilt, we can only try to reach the best we can with pure intentions. That is enough.
Originally posted on Inspirited Minds.